Is there any meaning to what we call living?

This blog is based on what I’ve been through the last one and a half year. As much as I want to say that I’m fine to anyone I can’t and like I advised a really close friend of mine earlier today. It’s better out than in.

It all starts in July 2022:
As if Covid 19 wasn’t bad enough (I lost all of my grandparents), the company I was working for wanted to stick it to me by saying “I’m sorry but we’ll have to let you go.” This company was the first ever company I worked at, and I had given my entire soul to it.

It didn’t hit me at first but then a few weeks later I woke up thinking “Shit! I missed the deadline.” a few minutes of panicking and then it suddenly hit me that I’m unemployed. Initially I felt relieved but then I made so many friends and connections there that I just burst into tears. (Yes! Men get feelings too.) The next few weeks where just filled with LinkedIn job searches.

Fast forward a few months:
My mother started to worry a little about what I was doing. She witnessed how I was searching for jobs back when I was graduating college and it terrified her. She had never seen how ugly job searches get.

My goal in life was to work a job settle down get married, have a couple of kids but it just felt like a dream, like I can’t ever achieve it. I started to think there is something wrong with me and that at this rate no one would want to even get married to me. I felt like a failure.

October 2022:
Luckily, I did get a job thanks to one of the connections I made in my first job. He saw potential in me when no other company was willing to. Just as when I felt things in my life were getting stable and I could go out actually date someone, I immediately end up getting rejected by saying “Oh I see you as a friend.” or “You’re a really nice guy”. My argument against that is if I am such a nice guy the why the fuck do I get rejected like this? It feels like I’m cursed or something. If my job isn’t getting fucked over then my Love life is getting compensated for it and if my job is fucked, I end up being too scared to approach anyone.

Present Day:
Lately I’ve been feeling like I don’t deserve any love and no matter what I do or how hard I work it doesn’t really matter. And again, without a job I feel like asking “What is the meaning to living?”

I usually have pretty good hunches when it comes to stuff like this. Right now, my hunch is telling me “Life is worth living only when you have someone who would love and accept you for the way you are no matter your flaws.” What are your thoughts on this question: “What does living mean to you?”